Third Day - King Of Glory - Christmas Offerings (+playlist)

May we each seek Balance in our lives!

M.I.A. - Missing in Action

I was too young to understand MIA's when I was growing up. I am a child of the 70's and back then you could send away and get a metal bracelet that was engraved with the name of a missing in action soldier, it had his (probably very few her's) birth date and identification number on it. You were to promise to wear the bracelet until that solider "came home"!

I wanted a bracelet but I didn't get - to get one... my dad told me, "You could end up wearing it for the rest of your life." End of discussion. Period. I didn't agree with dad,  but I think I have been "MIA" missing in action - long enough.

I struggle and deal with depression - full blown blubbering sobbing, crying the blues, to the pit and depth of the soul depression! This fall - I hit the 'brick' wall.

A variety of things probably helped me crash - 12 deaths since April, one being my best friend last May. If you have been by this blog before, I have written about her. Time hasn't healed this wound or made it any easier, her birthday was just a couple of weeks ago - and it brought all kinds of memories back and emotion up!
It is the weirdest thing to be going on along, living life, doing normal daily activities and WHAM you just start crying your eyes out. Or the worst is being somewhere in public and having to hold back the major emotions that come up....

I miss laughing with my best friend the most. The gut wrenching till it hurts laughing. I have wondered many times since May, if I will ever have a best friend again... Just that thought makes me sad. At this age, I am beyond lonely. I had a best friend for 36 years - older than most of the students that I attend school with. I probably sound selfish. But I can not even measure the depth of the loss she has been in my life.

My aunt died in September. She was my mom's older sister. When we were kids growing up, every summer my parents loaded up the car and we drove from Arizona to Iowa; then followed the grandparents up to Minnesota for a week at the lake. We then would head over to Ohio, to visit my mother's side of the family - grandparents, aunts & uncles and the cousins! We had good times exploring forests, nature walks, fishing, cards, picking strawberries, big family meals & bbq's , riding bikes,  camp fires, rolls in the fluffy green grass of the mid west. Great memories.

My grandmother died 7 years ago - during the past 7 years, my mother and her twin sister had not talked with their older sister. Oh we can play the blame game and point fingers at who ever we want; yes the twins were cheated out of inheritances, but when it all comes down to what is important in life - you only have your family!  And money is just a tool - sometimes we have a think times with money and sometimes we have thin lean times.  I kept telling my mom and her twin, 'You have survived this long without it, be thankful for what you do have.'  But they are 'MIA' - so there has been a lot of unresolved issues through out this grieving process.

I reached out to my cousins and my uncle in hopes of being supportive during the loss of their mother. Some of my favorite memories are of the great times we had during those summer visits, Christmas celebrations and multiple weeks with the cousins and grandparents growing up. A part of myself grieves for the loss of childhood times. 

But my mother and her twin sister, my aunt hadn't reconciled with their sister and they still didn't reach out to their brother in law, my uncle. They just wrote her off. Tried to forget about her and the injustice that she had brought on by mismanaging their parents estate. So they went MIA - missing in action.

My best friend and I had quarreled a few years ago - over my son and his biological mother being involved in his life. His biological mother was MIA - missing in action from his life and I attempted to provide visitations, but these were never consistent due to her lifestyle. I did my best each time that she had time, that my son visited. (And by the way, his biological mother and I have been on good speaking terms especially the past ten years - she has thanked me numerous times for being there for OUR son!)
 I do not know where it is written, but you do not put down other people and their children. Yes tempers flared between my friend and I. But I never thought that we would go almost three years, without speaking. She became MIA to me and even to her grown adult children. I tried to call her, email her, wrote her countless cards but nothing could pull her back. In the end, we were all called to say our goodbye's - her parents, her brother, her cousins and her children. Everyone had been cut out of her life. The final time that I saw my dear friend, she had been in a coma for a little over two weeks. She was nothing more than an empty shell of herself. She was MIA.

I realized as I reflected on her death that their had been signs all along of her depression; her addiction to prescription medication and alcohol were more hidden. Carla lived her life MIA in her final years. I would give anything to have been there her through her darkest hours; I have replayed the past three years over and over of what I could have done different. And of course, there is nothing to be done. And so a piece of me goes on MIA.

This being Thanksgiving week - I wish to encourage everyone to reconcile with a family member or a dear friend. Do not put it off! Do not wait! Take the first step, if that doesn't work, take two or three. But do NOT allow the sun to set, another day go by without saying I love you. You are better to bring peace into your life and go on - then sulk and stew over misgivings.

I have been MIA - I have not been well- emotionally and mentally - I dropped my classes this semester, I could not complete them. I have been frozen. And due to my MIA, my creativity for writing has been next to nothing. I am disappointed in myself for not completing a novel that is down to chapters and a few more classes to complete more educational goals.

This blog may not be read. It is not a happy feel good message. But if you stumbled upon it and took the time to read all this - please consider it a 'divine' appointment. A divine appointment that God wishes to invite you - to invite HIM into your life. To remember when you get so low that you can not get out of bed, that God is bigger than that and can bring restoration to your life. That slowly and surely God will bring you back. I am clinging to this and it is the only thing I have going at this time.
Faith! Faith that things in time will get better and I will be healed. Faith in myself restored so that I may finish a new chapter of education in my life. Faith that God will direct where I am to go. And faith that when I am MIA - He doesn't give up on me but keeps after me - until He finds me.

May any stumbler upon this blog - be blessed! And know that I am praying for healing for all that are seeking it! Let's find a way out of being MIA- Missing in Action!

Blessings,
Joan

Girl Friends

One of my earliest memories is having a neighborhood girl, who came to the door and asked to play. My mother let her in, a little four year old girl with long dark brown hair and shaggy bangs. She had a small red patent leather purse; she pulled out a card and handed it to my mother. “That is the time I have to be home!” Nancy said. We had the first of many tea parties that day. I met my first friend.

Friends bring meaning to our lives. They accept us, encourage us and at times challenge us to be better. Girlfriends are that extra special friend, for they know you, the part that makes you giggle. It really doesn’t matter how old you become, there is really nothing like a good laugh with a girlfriend. It has been said that laughter is the best medicine; I believe this to be true. 

Geri had arranged for a group of grade school and high school classmates to meet up on Friday night. I was so excited to see Geri, Theresa and Tina sitting in the restaurant booth when I walked in; it had been over 20 years since we had seen each other. Your human existence is validated with old friends. I believe there is just something about the depth of years that the soul understands. 

We were fortunate that six grown women, that had attended the same grade school and high school, were able to meet and reconnect again. In a city the size of Phoenix, I don’t know many people, that have attended school for twelve years together. We were the lucky ones. 

The lucky ones attended schools along the 202 freeway located between Tempe and downtown Phoenix. We went to Balsz Elementary School which you can see as you drive along the 202; it sits just north of the freeway at 44^th Street. You actually drive through the football field of our old East High School. Our high school was torn down many years ago. Our high school was located at 48th Street, just south of today’s 202 freeway. For college, Arizona State University is located by driving east along the 202. Not many people can say that they attended school along the 202 freeway. 

Six grown women shared stories of fellow grade school classmates, we wondered where some of our friends were today. We attempted to piece together our past as if it was a life jigsaw puzzle. We laughed deeply about our silly antics of classroom lessons,playground follies, team sports, old boyfriends, lost loves, band, pom and cheer, football games were just some of our high school discussions.  We had teachers that loved us and dedicated their selves to us. It was interesting to find how we had made our way in the world. 

We grew up in a strange time. We were too young for the 1960’s, so we couldn’t wear hip hugger pants, unless you wore a shirt tucked into them. Hip hugger pants went below the belly button, so the shirt defeated the purpose of exposing the belly. Young grade school girls were not allowed to dress with their body showing; yes we had a dress code at our school. 

We missed the impact of the 1970’s, so most of our friends didn’t experiment with drugs, we just weren’t cool enough. Now I am not saying that they didn’t exist, it is just the group of people that I spent time with, didn’t associate themselves with drugs.

We graduated in 1979, not quite the 1980’s, so we weren’t wild or hip and we didn’t wear neon colors. All of the Madonna, Cindy Lauper or the Cars influence came later in the 1980’s. No we were the preppy ones; we wore top siders, button down shirts, khaki’s slacks, the classic tailored look. This time period that we grew from wise senior high school graduates into young adults, reflected our being raised by parents from the 1950’s. 

My girlfriends are accomplished, dedicated and talented women. They love with the depth of their souls: their families, their children, nephews and nieces. They love fiercely!

It is only while attending grade school or high school that you are with your own age group. This time passes so quickly. The rest of our lives we are thrown into a variety of a mix of ages, a multitude of generations. It is with deep satisfaction and admiration to spend time with those that you have grown up with and it feels like coming home to be with those in your age group. For a while the years fade and you are once again a young person. 

So this week I hope to encourage anyone with an old cherished grade school or high school friend, to get back in touch with them. Share a laugh over some coffee, meet for dinner,  attempt to call them and in the least find them on Facebook. If you are one of the blessed ones and have a girlfriend, I challenge you to find her and whether local or far away tell her that you miss her and share a giggle.

Labyrinths - A Journey

According to Wikipedia labyrinths have been around for ages. The earliest ones were even found in the third century. Labyrinths appear as designs on pottery, etchings on walls of caves or churches, floors in tile or even of mosaic. They are even found in the basements of cathedrals throughout Europe.

Labyrinths are meant to be walked or at least allow the ‘mind’ to walk. As you walk towards the center of the labyrinth you are taking a journey inward. One is encouraged to think and reflect on things that they need to let go. Time to process where life is going, perhaps think of people or situations that need to be put aside so that time to mediate and allow peace to come.

When you reach the center of the labyrinth you are encouraged to think on what you need at this point of your life; perhaps strength, clarity, depth, understanding, encouragement, etc. As you begin your journey back out of the labyrinth one can gather the strength or fortitude to face their life from the experience.

A number of years ago I went to Sacramento to attend a conference, prior to the conference beginning I was able to make a retreat for two days. During this retreat we were ‘expected’ to complete the labyrinth experience that evening. My assigned time was nine at night. I had just traveled in early to attend the workshops on the retreat, I was tired and I don’t think anyone likes to be forced to do something. So needless to say I was NOT happy to be a part of the experience.

So I showed up for my time and began the process. We were given headphones with a guided meditation English accent voice to guide us through the labyrinth. There were eleven stations to pause at and reflect on a part of your life. Honestly, I was in no mood for this exercise. But when I reached station three, Letting Go – it hit me! I had many things, including the huge chip on my shoulder to let go! As I progressed through the Labyrinth, station seven, how we are perceived was also very hard for me, as it dealt with how wonderful and gifted we each are made. My favorite station was eleven, impressions. You stepped into sand and it talked about what impressions we are leaving on the earth, a global perspective besides our everyday impressions. I was blown away by walking a labyrinth. It was truly a profound experience.

I honestly have reflected on my experience with the Labyrinth many times. Just this past week I saw some designs on pottery that reminded me of the Labyrinth. It made me think how is my journey these days through life? Am I being true to myself? Am I allowing myself time to reflect on life? Where do I get my strength from? How am I being perceived? Who are valuable people in my life? Have I thanked them lately? And what impressions am I leaving on the earth? Who will remember what I have done when I am gone?

These are just some of the questions that I reflected on and honestly I don’t always have the answers! But I do know that I am a seeker. I am a seeker of knowledge, of knowing myself, of being important to people – to be an encourager. Are you a seeker?

I want to encourage anyone out there to seek out a Labyrinth and allow time for you to know yourself. You may wish to think of it as a quest!

Shell Decorations

Sail Away to the Beach!

This past week was busy and stressful, too much work to do and not enough time. Many deadlines are looming on the horizon. 

On Thursday as I was sitting at my desk, I began to drag a little rake through the sand of my desk Zen garden. And for a few moments I was transported back to beach.

What is it about a beach that we find so tranquil and mesmerizing?

I love the beach. I love the crisp, tart, salty, air. I love the freedom in the wind. Huge waves roaring into crests from far away, crashing, and then turning into pure white foam. 

There is nothing like going into the ocean and feeling the gravity pull, awaiting the perfect wave and riding the wave completely into the shore. 

And the soothing sounds of the ocean waves as you sit on the shoreline and contemplate life. 

This past summer while at Oceanside Beach, I had a thought of how so much of life has changed. We run our cars at top speeds, going from place to place. Hurriedly eating and rushing to the next activity. We get to the end of our days and we wonder why we cannot quiet our minds for sleep. And yet the ocean has remained the same. The constancy of waves coming in and resting on the sands and then the pull of the earth calling it back out into the depths of the water, the rhythm of life. 

There is a natural rhythm to life. We are born, we grow, we are educated, we live, we grow older, we achieve, and we die. 

Embracing the rhythm of life, discovering our talents and pursuing our passions helps us to live authentic lives. 

And in the great words of Mark Twain - “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

 May we all live passionate lives.  

August 23, 2013 - Life Can Change In A Moment!

Life Can Change In A Moment

          Many times in life I have thought how quickly life can change. We can go along living and at times it seems like everything is mundane. Day in and day out the same tasks seem to drag on forever and then in a moment life is different.

          My life changed dramatically when I lost a beloved teacher while in high school, never being able to express the gratitude that I felt for her was a deep regret. One moment she was teaching and assigning projects and the next day we had heard that a car accident claimed her life. We were all changed. The experience taught me at a young age to express yourself for you never know when your last moment may be.

          After college in my twenties I was hired by 9 major airlines, I chose to fly for United Airlines as a Flight Attendant and I moved to Chicago. My life became a series of change, due to constantly going and coming. For a while it became so crazy that I didn’t know where I was or what time it was due to flying so much. I remember clinging to moments of normalcy. I cherished days off to do laundry, visit friends, cook dinner to do normal everyday things.

          One late afternoon in September, 25 years ago, the plane I was working on hit an air pocket and had a depressurization, in that moment my life changed forever, as the plane dropped 1500 feet, I hit my neck and my back. To this day I still live with this injury.

          We have many moments in our lives of great happiness, of awaited news, of sadness and of change.

          I recently lost my best friend of 30 years. Carla died May 14, 2014 in Tucson. She had estranged herself from family and friends for the past two years, as she struggled alone with her illness. When I received a call from her daughter, Jessica, on the 11^th of May, I immediately went to Tucson to see Carla. She had been in a coma for over 2 weeks and was on life support. It was horrifying to see my best friend so gravely ill.

          Carla and I became friends when we were 15 years old; we met at our first job at a department store. Although vastly different we became immediate friends. Carla was 5’2” and Native American – Navajo and Pima, she called herself a Pimajo! I am 5’8” and due to my heritage I am very white, her family used to call me their Albino child.

One of the greatest things about Carla was she loved to laugh. I have never laughed as hard and as long as I did with my best friend. The way she looked at life and lived it – always questing for the best, adding ‘color’ to everything that she did. A bench did not stay a bench long, for it was soon painted to look like a cow. A chair needs glitz, gems, bow to be ‘jazzed up’! Oh how I miss her…

We had been friends through our teens, twenties, thirties and forties; this was a person that knew your moments. Moments of greatness, sadness, happiness, loneliness, celebrations – all the moments of our life; graduations, boyfriends, new jobs, travels, marriage, late night conversations, babies, children’s birthdays, loss of relatives and divorce.

In July 2005, Carla’s mother was going to visit family in the northern part of Arizona, Ganado, and Navajo Reservation. Her mother, Karletta was traveling with her best friend. In a moment, life changed tragically. Karletta’s best friend was driving, she ran a stop sign while exiting the freeway near Holbrook, and was struck by an oncoming truck. The vehicle was thrown and rolled 4 times due to the impact. Karletta was killed instantly in the accident.

Carla called me hysterically crying, I was on the road traveling home. As soon as I arrived back to the valley we began the journey from Scottsdale to Holbrook to identify her mother’s body. Life had changed and would never be the same. I began to lose my friend that day. Carla began to seek pain management for many ‘illnesses’ and eventually left her employment to sleep away her days. No amount of consolation helped. She eventually pulled away from all family; her children, her father, her brother, myself; life was just too much for her.

So when I received the call from Jessica, Carla’s daughter, that her mother had been in the hospital for over 2 weeks and they had just been notified. I immediately drove to Tucson. Seeing my dear friend so ill and just a shell of life was one of the most horrifying moments of my life. I talked with Carla, thanked her, apologized for not being there for her in these ‘final moments’ and blessed her. I gently took her hand in mine and prayed with her and for a brief moment there was a slight squeeze and that was all. I told her I loved her and would always remember our times of deep laughter. I thanked her for the gift of her friendship and will always cherish it. And then I left.

The next day I had to go to Pinetop to help my mother complete packing up my parents’ home for a move to the valley. As I went out on the front deck to take a break and have a cup of coffee, the breeze kicked up and a couple leaves floated by it was the winds of change and I knew as the phone rang that Carla had passed on. In that moment a part of life changed for me. I will always remember and miss my dear friend.

Cherish the moments. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Author unknown

Celebrate the moments!